Episode 145: Subversive Strategies for Unmasking

What if everything you’ve ever been taught is a lie designed to keep you in a socially appropriate box of normality. 

To control you.

To keep you from being fully alive, awake, and aware of yourself. 

So that your needs, preferences, and desires are shoved to the side - or so far beneath the surface that you’re not even aware they exist - to make space for the socially acceptable version of yourself you were told you needed to be. 

The version of yourself that you present to the world is a mask and everyone wears one. It’s not exclusive to the neurodivergent community - we just do it to a far greater extent. 

Whether you already identify as a neurodivergent or you’re just exhausted from trying to be what everyone expects you to be, it’s time to unmask.

The Myth of Normal

Normal is a myth. There is no such thing. 

The concept of 'normal' refers to what is considered typical or standard within a particular society or group. However, these standards are arbitrary and vary widely across different cultures, times, and contexts. 

But that doesn’t mean it is irrelevant.

Money is a myth that is based on absolutely nothing but it is far from irrelevant.

Money functions as a societal construct, relying entirely on collective belief and trust in its value, despite lacking any intrinsic worth or tangible backing.

Just as the value of money is a collective agreement without intrinsic worth, the idea of normalcy is constructed through shared societal beliefs and expectations. Despite its lack of inherent truth, normalcy significantly influences our perceptions and behaviors.

I was going to give a few examples but instead I’m going to go on a bit of a rant.

I was going to start with what it means to “look normal” but it’s so tragically subjective it made me glitch.

Normal appearance doesn’t just change based on your sex, geographic location, age, season, culture, social and economic status, and time period. 

Oh no, that would be too easy. It also changes based on what activity you’re doing because there is a huge difference between work and leisure but then there’s the type of work you’re doing or the type of leisure activity.

Can you imagine someone who is a sales associate at a thrift store dressing the same as a banker on Wall Street? No, of course not. But if they were both on the golf course? Maybe. 

I could do this for hours. What’s normal as far as appearance goes is entirely subjective and fully made up - but people take it SO seriously. 

How many times have you called or texted someone to ask what you should wear or worried that you’d be over or under dressed? Probably more than you can count. 

And that’s just your external appearance. Just what people can deduce about you or those around you from what they’re wearing and what they’ve put on top of their bodies in an effort to blend in. 

To camouflage themselves.

And yet people think normal is the goal.

Normal is not the goal. The goal is to be your authentic self.

We all camouflage to varying extents - that’s what those of us in the neurodiverse space call masking.

Sometimes it’s intentional, like actively choosing what to wear so we blend in.

But other times it’s automatic and we have no idea it’s a choice. I’ve had friends and clients say some version of “oh, I could never wear that because…” fill in the totally optional thought that is masquerading as an objective reason.

Before you come for me with the fact that there are laws that dictate what people can wear or establishments that have dress codes just know that everyone still has the ability to opt out and that just because those guidelines exist doesn’t mean they do so to support an objective norm. It wouldn’t be a rule if it was the actual norm and everyone was willing to wear it without the rule or law. 

Back to the point. I used appearance because it was an easy point to illustrate. The “norm” for appearance is to walk around naked with no other adornment. No shaving, no makeup, no clothes, no artificial scents. It’s what all of the other animals do. 

It’s fine that most humans don’t want to do that but to suggest that there is a normal way and that all of the other ways are abnormal lacks any critical thinking. 

Now, that’s not to say that one would always choose to dress in a way that was radically different than whatever societal norm they were going to be existing in required. Of course not. 

It’s a valid life choice to blend in - but the thing that matters to me is that people realize it is a choice and they make it deliberately and not as a default because they’re on an autopilot program they didn’t even know was installed. 

Ways We Mask

Back to masking.

To begin with, I just want you to think about it in the simplest of ways. I will absolutely be talking about it more as it relates to neurdivergent people in the future but for now let’s talk about the ways all of the neurotypical (also known as ‘normal’) people mask to conform to societal expectations.

Adopting Professional Personas

In the workplace, neurotypical individuals often adopt a professional demeanor that may be significantly different from their true personality, such as using formal language, maintaining a serious attitude, and dressing in a certain way to fit in with corporate culture.

When they’re more of a skater or surfer dude away from work.

Following Fashion Trends

Many people conform to current fashion trends and dress codes to appear socially acceptable or trendy, even if these choices do not reflect their personal style or comfort preferences. Hello, pointy toed shoes. I’m talking to you.

Suppressing Emotions

Neurotypical individuals may suppress emotions like anger, sadness, or excitement in social settings to avoid drawing attention or appearing inappropriate, especially in professional or formal contexts. 

You know this one, right? It’s smiling when you’ve been insulted or harassed at work instead of crying or screaming so you’re not seen as “too emotional”. 

Adjusting Speech Patterns

People often modify their speech patterns, including tone, vocabulary, and accent, to fit in with different social groups or to appear more educated, polite, or authoritative.

This is sometimes called code-switching.

Engaging in Small Talk

Then there is small talk. Even if they find it meaningless or uninteresting most people will adhere to the social norm of engaging in conversation about inconsequential things to avoid awkward silences.

I mean really, how is one supposed to be engaged in a conversation about how hot it’s been or all of that rain?

Concealing Personal Beliefs

Another way people mask is by hiding their personal beliefs. In environments where those personal beliefs or values might be controversial or unpopular, people might hide their true opinions to avoid conflict or social ostracism.

For example, when you hide your political views during family gatherings to avoid WW3 over the potroast. 

Performing Gender Norms

Then there are the societal expectations of gender behavior, such as men being stoic and women being nurturing, even if these behaviors don’t align with their true selves.

This is why women get told they’re cold or unfeeling for processing the way a man is “supposed to” or men who like to cook or who are capable of showing emotions are called a variety of names intended to make them feel emasculated.  

Social Media Personas

On social media, individuals often curate an idealized version of their lives, posting only positive experiences and carefully crafted images to project a certain image to their followers.

Is this real life? Absolutely not. It’s a digital mask.

Conforming to Social Etiquette

One of my favorite ways to explain masking is when people engage in what are called scripts. These are polite behaviors and manners that may feel artificial or unnecessary, like saying "please" and "thank you" excessively, to be perceived as well-mannered and respectful.

Scripting is something autistic people do a lot and to a greater extent but this is one most people can relate to. 

Participating in Social Activities

Finally, there are the social activities people participate in that they don’t really enjoy, such as parties or networking events, to avoid social exclusion and maintain relationships.

An example of this would be attending every office party to avoid being perceived as antisocial even though you’d rather spend a quiet evening curled up with your book and cat.

Those are all masks. That is not to say that because everyone masks to some degree that the masking that is experienced by neurodivergent individuals is similar in scope or severity - but it is a starting point to help those of you who don’t know what it means understand the general idea. 

And it’s why my subversive strategies are for everyone and not just people who identify as neurodivergent.

Subversive Strategies

So what about those subversive strategies? 

Let’s start with a definition so we’re all on the same page. Subversive is defined as “seeking to undermine the power and authority of an established system or institution”. 

It should come as no shock to any of you who have been listening, reading, or talking to me for awhile that I am a subversive kind of witch. 

I want people to think for themselves and to think critically about every form of established system, institution, and position or person claiming authority or power. 

I question everything until I understand it and incorporate it into my own world view or dismantle and dismiss it. 

It’s part of my wicked veracity charm. 

And, that’s the foundation of all the subversive strategies I use and teach - question everything, even your thoughts.

I tend to spend the most time and effort questioning the ideologies of capitalism, the patriarchy, and neurotypical expectations.

But not in the ways you’re probably accustomed to.

I use astrology as one of my primary tools for this questioning because it was developed in a patriarchal system and much of the modern interpretations are heavily influenced by capitalist ideology. 

You  see, astrology works. I have no doubt of that at all. However, the way we talk about astrology is heavily influenced by the thoughts of the people who codified it and the societies that raised them. 

If you want to see an example of how I question the underlying assumptions, go back and listen to Episode 143, Venus in Aries and Episode 142, Dignity & Debility: What Astrology Can Teach Us About Social Constructs.

Or you can join the Crusade and gain immediate access to my unmasking of Venus - currently a live bonus happening within the membership that has about 13 hours of bonus video ready for you to watch.

So tell me... 

Do you already know you wear a mask? Is it exhausting? Is it freeing? Are you ready to take yours off? Do you even know how? Do you want to?

Spend time with these questions and see what comes up. If you’re feeling frisky, hit me up on Instagram and share your answers with me.

Until next time, my wish for you is the confidence to unmask whenever you want.