So-Called Chaos

The title of this podcast is an Alanis Morisette song that I absolutely love. It’s been one of my favorites since it was released five million years ago.

There is this one line that I want to talk about today:

"Have to’s and need to’s and get to’s by three"

How many of those do you have on any given day?

If you’re anything like I am, your brain tells you there’s a whole long list of them. I use to spin out at all of the things I *needed* to get done on any given day, week, month, or year.

But one of the things that has become crystal clear to me as I work more and more to manage my mind is that each and every one of them is optional.

What. The. What.

Yeah I know, I get it. I frequently (as in multiple times a day) forget that it’s all optional because my brain is so fond of telling me that it isn’t just NOT optional, it’s freaking IMPORTANT. Mission-critical even and I’m the only one who can do it all.

Annnnnd that’s all total nonsense.

There’s literally nothing that I do that can’t be done by someone else. They might not do it like I’d do it, or do it up to my standards, or do it even well, but it would for sure get done if it was important or it wouldn’t get done because no one but me even cares.

If you’re struggling with this, you’re going to want to sit down because this next bit is really going to blow your mind.

Even the things you think you have to do for your kids, parents, spouse, friends, country, or super important organization that you help run….. is optional.

No? You don’t think cooking for your kids or making sure they get to school on time or washing their clothes or taking them to baseball practice is optional? It totally is and I can prove it.

Lots of parents don’t do any of it. Heck, my parents didn’t do it and I’m a fully functional, fairly well-adjusted adult and everything.

You’re an adult. You can actually just say, “Hey, you know what, I don’t want to keep my kids” and give them up for adoption. People do it ALL the time.

Oh? You wouldn’t do that? Neither would I, but it is optional, and acting like it isn’t doesn’t serve anyone. 

It creates a sense of martyrdom that leads to resentment and being a crankypants who’s miserable all the time. 

Since it IS optional, wouldn’t it be better to own your choice so that you feel empowered instead of victimized by the little monsters who suck up all your energy and time and aren’t even remotely grateful that you’re feeding them Brussel sprouts instead of the spaghetti-o’s YOU got as a kid when you were hungry enough to cook it for yourself after you came in from a long day of riding your bike around the neighborhood unsupervised?

You don’t have to believe me - just give it a try the next time you’re creating an all-organic meal from scratch after working eight hours and commuting for two after waking up at dawn to clean the house and get a workout in and before you spend an hour after dinner washing clothes and cleaning up the bathroom that everyone else in the house thinks is taken care of by the house-elf. Remind yourself that you are choosing to be in the kitchen, preparing a delicious meal that will nurture you and your family, in a home that you love to be in and take care of and see if that feels any better. 

If it doesn’t, it’s time to get real with yourself and ask which of the optional things on your to-do list need to be deprioritized and farmed out to other members of the household, changed, or delegated to someone you can pay to make it their priority.

Now, I know it can be tempting to bypass this, especially if you really believe the story you’ve been telling yourself about there not being any other options. Especially if you’re a single parent or barely making ends meet. But even then, you have options. I know this because if you’re living in a house, the option could be to cut expenses and leave it to be a modern-day nomad, move in with family and friends, or live on the street. I’m not saying any of these are the options you’d want to choose - only that they are, in fact, options, and recognizing they exist can make it easier to see why you’re doing what you’re currently choosing to do. It can get you fired up and excited to pursue your goals and work towards options you like better.

What about the non-kid version? The same concept applies to caring for elderly relatives, pets, or even yourself. It applies to all of the things you hate about your job too. You don’t have to have that job. You can totally quit. You can then go find another job doing something you love,  join the circus, or opt-out of capitalism and never work again. You could also just learn to manage your mind until you’re able to love the job you’re in or manage your mind so that you love the job you’re in while you look for a job you love even more just because you want to. All of these are valid options and recognizing things are optional is applicable to all of the circumstances.

Another part of the song says, “I want to be weightless flying through the air. I want to drop all these limitations” - and you can. I can. I did.

I’ve changed my life radically since the song first came out and I continue to do so constantly. I’m always looking for more freedom and more joy and more ways to fly.

Sometimes that looks like really diving deep so I can find the why behind the things on my to-do list.

For example, I homeschool both of my boys and it’s subjectively a lot of work. I whine about it occasionally but then I remind myself why I’m doing it and how much I love my reasons. Suddenly it doesn’t feel like a burden but a privilege, and I don’t mind navigating the scheduling restrictions that come with the choice.

Another personal example is how little time I often tell myself I have to devote to anything remotely resembling a personal life. The truth is that I have as much time and energy as I want to devote to it. Some days (fine, years) I just don’t want to take time away from other things and that’s fine. It feels a whole lot better to own that choice than to say I don’t have any say in the matter because, of course, I do. I could choose not to prioritize time with my children or building my business or even writing and recording this podcast - and at some point in the future that may be the choice I make, but for right now, this makes sense to me.

 Or maybe I’ll decide to do it all and not read as much or spend as much time alone. Who knows.

What I do know is that all of the "have to’s and need to’s and get to’s by three" are up to me.

Just like yours, are up to you.

So tell me... 

What or who have you told yourself you don’t have time for? Why do you choose to think that’s true? Why might you really be avoiding it or them that has nothing to do with your temporal availability? If it really mattered, you’d make time for it or them just like you would an ER visit. So why aren’t you?

Spend time with these questions and see what comes up. If you’re feeling frisky, hit me up on Instagram and share your answers with me.

Until next time, my wish for you is to invite the so-called chaos that you’ve dared not dream of by choosing only those things you truly want to do, loving your reasons, and dropping the limitations you impose upon yourself.

Podcast Theme Music

License:  Rustic Ballad by Alexander Nakarada