What If You Fly

It’s easy to assume we know what the people around us are thinking or how they’ll respond to requests or situations. There’s a really good reason for this, actually. It’s because we think we have their operating manual.

Operating Manuals

When I talk about operating manuals for people, a lot of people look at me like I’m crazy OR they have the opposite reaction and want to know where they can get the manual for their wife, child, boss, or whoever. The thing is, you already have an operating manual for everyone in your life. 

You think you know how to make them happy, cheer them up, calm them down, and all of the other things. These ideas are probably driving a lot of how you interact with them. But you also have a manual for how you think they should behave. Sort of like how you expect your car to turn on when you push the button or turn the key, you expect people to do things too. However, operating manuals for humans aren’t fantastic resources that solve all of the problems - they are the problem.

How could it possibly be a problem to know all of the things about all of the people? Because you don’t. You just think you do, and that creates expectations that are unrealistic which subsequently causes arguments, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and various other types of avoidable drama.

Yes, I know it’s hard to believe that you aren’t making them happy, or making them feel loved, or even making them angry.

It’s even harder when you realize that *they* aren’t doing any of those things to you.

It’s always your thoughts (or their thoughts if we’re talking about their feelings).

Questions

Now that we have operating manuals out of the way I want to talk about asking questions.

There is a quote that I absolutely love and I really need to find an art print of it so that I can have it framed and put on one of my walls.  

“There is freedom waiting for you,

On the breezes of the sky,

And you ask "What if I fall?"

Oh but my darling,

What if you fly?”

― Erin Hanson

I can apply this quote to very nearly anything but for today I’m going to apply it to the topic of asking questions. 

So many people long for the freedom of having their desires met but they’re so afraid of asking for what they want and being told no that they stay firmly stuck in their current reality. But what if they did ask? What if they were told yes? What if they found they could fly? 

I frequently have clients tell me they want something from someone in their life and they’ll be really upset about the fact that they don’t have it. Or they’ll want someone to be in their life and they spin out daydreaming about it. 

One client wanted time alone but was always doing things for her children, husband, family, and various social groups. When I asked her if she’d tried asking her husband to be a solo parent for one night a week so she could go do something alone she said no, because he’d never say yes. I’m me so I persisted and asked if she’d actually asked and been told no. The answer was what it usually is - she hadn’t asked because she didn’t want to experience the rejection of being told no so she preemptively rejected the idea. When she later asked, he said yes. I know! It’s totally shocking when people don’t follow their operating manuals.

Another client was upset about the lack of romantic interest from her partner. He never complimented her or initiated adult-themed activities. I asked if she ever initiated and she said no because she didn’t feel wanted. 

Can you see the logic flaw in this?

If both people never initiate an activity because they require external validation in order to do so, then those two people are rarely going to get activated.

Don’t even get me started on the number of friends, family members, associates, and clients who have told me how perfect their latest crush is but who are completely unwilling to make the first move because what if the other person doesn’t feel the same? Well… if the other person doesn’t feel the same then you’ll be exactly where you are now - without them. But at least you’ll know and you can move on. Or, heck, maybe you’ll sprout wings and fly off into the sunset together. Isn’t either of those options better than clipping your own wings?

I get it. I’ve been guilty of assuming I know what someone will say so I don’t bother asking for something I want. But any time I notice myself defaulting to old patterns, I ASK - even if I’m 99.9% positive I’m going to get a no. 

Do you know why? Because I’d rather someone else say no to me than limit myself. 

That’s the thought that works for me and you can borrow it or come up with one that will work for you - but I do encourage you to think of a way to motivate yourself to risk rejection because you’ll also be opening yourself up to a world of possibilities you’d otherwise be denying yourself.

So tell me... 

What is something you’re sure you already know the answer to so you’ve never asked the question? What if you’re completely wrong? What if you asking gives someone else the opportunity to blow your mind?

Spend time with these questions and see what comes up. If you’re feeling frisky, hit me up on Instagram and share your answers with me.

Until next time, my wish for you is the courage to ask ALLLL the questions.

Podcast Theme Music

License:  Rustic Ballad by Alexander Nakarada