Balancing on Breaking Branches

I was working with a client recently and it became pretty obvious that the underlying issue she was having with her boss was essentially a communication error. When I suggested this, she basically said I was wrong because she’d repeated back to her boss what she’d said specifically to make sure that she understood.

And that’s the problem.

Repeating words back isn’t communication, it’s basically parroting. 

It’s not checking for comprehension, it’s just demonstrating your ability to repeat something.

Let me give an example.

Let’s say I’m your employer and I say... 

“Order pink flowers for my office.”

Picture what you’d order. I’ll wait.

Ok, have you got the mental image?

Now my expectation was for pink snapdragons in a tall black vase by the end of the day or at the very latest tomorrow. Obviously, you’d know that because I love dragons, have a whimsical streak and like that you can make snapdragons “talk” to each other, and love great big statement pieces. You should have known I’d want a black vase because I decorate mostly with black and greys. And you should have known that I’m impatient and I wanted it done within twenty-four hours. All of this is completely obvious, right?

But all you said was, "Okay, I’ll go order the pink flowers."

But you ordered pink roses cut down to fill a small cream-colored vase and to be delivered the following Monday. The preserved ones that last for ages. This was completely wrong because I wanted it now, I don’t really like roses, and for SURE not pastel pink ones, and absolutely NOT in a cream-colored anything. And I hate flowers that have to be dusted. Who does that?

All of that miscommunication from a single sentence.

I Never Learned to Read Your Mind

So how do you learn to read someone else’s mind or - at the very least - communicate more clearly?

It’s incredibly easy and also ridiculously difficult. You have to recognize that not everyone thinks of things the same way you do. What?! How can that be right?!

Totally true.  Here’s another example. I’m from the deep south and was raised in large part by a woman who was raised here in the early 1900s, who traveled by covered wagon. Trust me when I tell you that if you asked her for tea, what you would get would probably not be what you’d expect - even if you’re from the south and are expecting sweet tea. It was more like a thin syrup and it went great with cornbread and fried fish and tomatoes and rice and - wait, I’m about to get distracted.

Seriously tho, the first time I went to a northern state and asked for sweet tea, they brought me iced unsweet tea and sugar packets. I can’t even with that nonsense. 

And I’m sure they thought I was a little bent for even asking for it to begin with and now we are back to people thinking differently.

Check all of your assumptions at the door if you’re communicating with someone and the outcome is important to you.

I’m not saying you have to get into a philosophical conversation with your waitress about what it means to have a good day, but if your significant other or boss or parent or whoever asks you to help them with something, it might be a good idea to find out exactly what they mean before you jump in with your assumptions. 

Back to the flowers. If you were my assistant and you brought me those flowers, I’d be all kinds of annoyed because I had assumed you’d get what I wanted. You’d be upset because you spent an hour trying to find something tasteful that you thought I’d like and you were expecting me to praise you. Both of those assumptions were wrong and now no one has what they want. This could have been avoided by: 1) me choosing to explain with fewer assumptions or (2) you asking questions to define specifics before you placed the order.

And if you need me to hit this point a little bit harder, go look at the pinks in a big box of crayons and tell me there isn’t room for misinterpretation within that one single word. 

Incidentally, this is why I ask people a million questions and also why I tend to explain things in what some initially assume is excessive detail - and also why people rarely have difficulty following my directions. 

Music Time

The song this time is about this whole concept rather than specific lyrics. It’s Exile by Taylor Swift featuring Bon Iver.

If you’ve never listened to the song, it’s about how two people in a relationship with one another can have radically different interpretations of the relationship. 

There’s one line in the chorus that really illustrates this:

He says, You never gave a warning sign

& she says, I gave so many signs

Now if that isn’t the most classic case of miscommunication, I don’t know what is. 

So tell me... 

When was the last time you experienced a miscommunication that could have easily been avoided if you had asked more questions or explained something more thoroughly? Looking back, how would you have communicated differently if you hadn’t assumed the other person you were talking with had the exact same definition of all of the words used in the conversation?

Spend time with these questions and see what comes up. If you’re feeling frisky, hit me up on Instagram and share your answers with me.

Until next time, my wish for you is the willingness to ask the questions that will lead to more precise communication.

Podcast Theme Music

License:  Rustic Ballad by Alexander Nakarada